Some days I follow Mars around with his bowl of food, spoon feeding him. He is almost 6. My brain naturally leaps to justify my reasoning for this even though what others think really doesn’t matter.
As an autism mum I find my self continually trying to reason with myself for why I make allowances for my son. The whole experience of parenting in a different way has changed my perspective on how I view everyone. Not just other parents but people I can’t even see, or people who seem like they are rude or inconsiderate.
An example of this, just the other day I took Mars for a drive as he was cranky and tired and I hoped he would fall asleep in the car. I was driving 80km an hour through some beautiful countryside, meditation on, fresh air coming through; when a gumboot hit me in the back of the head. Jolting and slightly swerving from the shock and pain, tears started to stream down my face. All I could think was ‘what if I hadn’t been able to stay in control of the steering wheel?’.
My overthink brain began to ponder how sometimes I find other drivers annoying if they are slow or appear unfocused on the road. But how do I know they have not just had something thrown at their head? Or they have a child who won’t stop screaming or is kicking the back of the seat? I never thought I was judgemental before, however sometimes I was without thinking.
Now I try to be compassionate in situations I can’t see, when parents make decisions I feel are strange, or when someone appears to be inconsiderate. I know nothing about their inner thoughts and possible turmoil, and if they are rude for the sake of being rude then that is on them.
Would you like to know why I think it is ok to spoon feed my son while I follow him around? I am going to tell you because I am human and still have an innate urge to give you a reason. There is also a chance my reasoning may help another parent in a similar situation to lose the guilt.
If I say “you need to sit at the table to eat your dinner, otherwise it will be put away and you will need to wait until breakfast time” Mars won’t sit at the table, he will just not eat. What does this lead to for us?
A hungry child who will wake through the night and keep the whole household awake.
This leads to a night where his body is unable to go through its full detoxification process, hormones are disrupted, growth is disrupted.
A hungry child who misses out on vital nutrients needed for growth and development.
A child who will be cranky and aggressive the next day due to lack of sleep and nutrition.
A tired child who will not learn as much as he could on a better nights sleep.
A cranky mum trying to survive and parent all day on little sleep after spending additional hours running around in the middle of the night to keep her son safe.
A cranky dad who still needs to work am 11 hour day after spending additional hours running around in the middle of the night to keep his son safe.
A child who is more likely to physically attack his older sibling because he is tired.
So is it easier in this instance to feed him while he walks around? Absolutely
I would love to hear your stories on ‘typical’ rules or behaviours that you adjust in order for your household to run smoothly. Please share in the comments :)
So many ideals get thrown out the window or at least pushed to the side for a while don’t they! My son can’t stand long sleeves so all his sweaters have the arms cut off, I even cut the rain coat sleeves off to try and encourage him to wear that one but so far he is refusing 😩 queue comments on how irresponsible I am that he is wearing no coat in the rain! However becoming more understanding is a silver lining of this journey 🥰
I know exactly how this feels. My son also went through a time when he wouldn’t sit to eat for long – and I can’t even begin to list how many ways my “rules” around food shifted just so I could make sure he would eat. We make all kinds of accommodations to bend rules or just toss them out. For a long time now, for example, my son doesn’t have to wear shirts with collars or buttons, or really anything besides athletic shorts and t-shirts and sneakers or sandals (but at least some clean versions if we go anywhere you’re supposed to “dress up”).
I agree, too, with your awareness being heightened about other people's decisions or behaviors - I think I was more judgmental earlier in my life, but now I know a lot better how much might be going on behind the scenes!